"As long as you are alive, you can still hope."

This post is being created the week of the "Boston Marathon" bombings.  Once again we have been reminded that life can be hard, and terrible things happen that we are forced to cope with. How are you doing with it all?  I don't know about you, but I know some times it seems to me like the amount of nastiness, sorrow, and fear in our world is overwhelming.

However, when I start to feel like this I notice these feelings are in competition with another deeper part inside.  It is the part that feels that most people are good in their core.  Even with this latest act of terrorism, if you counted up the number of people who perpetrated this event and compared it to the number of people who demonstrated courage, kindness, and real caring in the face of horror, the reality seems to back up that deeper truth.  Being alive means coming in contact with an evil MINORITY some times.  How do we cope?  We remain hopeful for a better day for the MAJORITY.  "As long as you are alive, you can still hope."

Boston, you have my love.

Bring flowers inside.

I saw this saying and it made me think of the spring coming right around the corner.  When I look at  flowers in bloom I am reminded of the natural beauty all around us every day.  Flowers tend to brighten up any space and make us feel good (if we are not allergic of course!).  This is important.

We may not have the biggest home or the fanciest place to live, but we can create a space of sanctuary for ourselves.  You need a place where you can take a break from the hustle and bustle of the world and just relax and be your true self. 

Sure, but what if you don't live alone and you can't just make your home your own paradise?  I recommend to clients that they carve out a space, even if it's just a corner of a room, where they can be surrounded by beauty and peace. This will look different for every person. Maybe for one person it's about pillows, for someone else it's about music, another it's about quiet.  Whatever gives you that feeling of inner relaxation, you need a place where you can go to renew and energize. You need to know it's always there. Make it a goal today to create something wonderful for yourself.  Bringing flowers inside is a great first step.

"Say no politely and quickly."

I work with people all the time who have a hard time saying "no."  Some people feel guilty if they want to say no to someone and they know that person won't like their answer.  This can be a huge struggle that can cost someone a feeling of being in control of his or her life.

For example, let's say a family member would like to spend time with you.  You haven't seen this person in a while and it would mean a lot to them.  It just so happens that right before that call you made plans with a friend to do something else.  What if this family member is really good at expressing their disappointment so it leaves you feeling terrible? What do you do?

The above expression is good advice.  "Say no politely and quickly."  The first step is to realize that no else's feelings are MORE important than yours.  You have every right to keep the plans with your friend.  However, in saying "no" to anyone, we want to recognize that sometimes hearing "no" is harder for some people than others.  If you are interacting with a person who tends to get upset, try to say "no" as politely as possible.  Let that person know that you care about them and want to see them.  Maybe even suggest an alternate time that could work for both of you.  What you don't want to do is say "yes" when you want or need to say "no." This can lead to resentment. Say no quickly and politely and then go enjoy your time with your friend!

"No one can tell you how long you should mourn."

Have you ever lost someone who meant a lot to you?  Maybe you lost something that was very important.  Grief is a very natural response.  It is a normal process to go through as we adjust to a meaningful loss. All of our social masks can be stripped away and we can walk around feeling like a raw nerve for a while. 

In my work as a therapist, one of the things I do is help clients through the grief process.  This can be a death, the loss of a significant relationship, the ending of a career, the changing of a parenting role as children grow up and leave the home, or any type of major loss.

Sometimes a person will come to me saying they are concerned that they are still very sad and yet the people around them seem to have moved on or are telling them to move on.  This can be a very lonely feeling indeed.  However, "No one can tell you how long you should mourn." is a very true statement!  There is no one size fits all when it comes to emotions. Everyone grieves at their own pace.  The tears we shed say how important this person or situation was to us. Getting support from a patient caring friend, or a therapist can help us through this very normal journey to healing.  Are you grieving anything in your life?

Become a "possibilitarian."

Have you ever found yourself saying things like "Oh, that will never happen." or "Oh, that will never work out."?

Some people think that if they come up with the worst case scenario they will prepare themselves for when things don't work out.  It is a common defense strategy.  The problem is that it doesn't really work and makes us feel terrible.

If you think about it when we live as though the worst is the most likely thing to happen we suffer from the worry of it all.  Then if we turn out to be right we get to suffer again! Yikes! Who wants to suffer twice?

What if we were to believe...or at least add to our thoughts what the BEST case scenario might be as well?  For example, let's say I have something big coming up (a test?  a job interview?  a life change of some sort?) and in addition to my "What if this goes wrong?"  I add "Hey, but what if this goes RIGHT?"  "What would I do if this actually worked out?"

In the absence of being able to know for sure how a situation will turn out become a "possibilitarian."  You are not saying you know for sure how it will go, but what are ALL the possibilities - not just the negative ones? I think you will find you will feel a lot better about life when you practice this simple technique. What are your possibilities?

"Give snakes the right of way."

This is such an interesting saying.  I wonder what it means to you...  Here is what I thought of:  I imagined road rage!  Did you think of that too?
Here is what I was thinking. Have you ever been on the road when there is someone doing something really outrageous in front of or behind you?  Maybe this driver is even driving so that you feel you are in danger!  It seems to me, the safest thing to do is to let them have the road!  After all, if I make it home safely, I have won.
Perhaps this idea can be applied more broadly.  If you have people or situations in your life that are just plain rotten and there is truly nothing you can really do about it, perhaps it's better just to stay out of the way.  That way you can spend your energy on things that are important to you.  What do you think?

"Jot down what you are grateful for."

This is really great advice! Take a minute to think about what you are grateful for.  Are you relatively healthy?  Do you have a particular talent?  Do you have good friends?  Do you have a roof over your head and food to eat?
 
I'll tell you why jotting down what you are grateful for is such a good idea. Some times it feels like NOTHING is going right.  We can get really discouraged and down when our plans fail, when friends and/or loved ones disappoint us or we are just having a really LOUSY day...week...month.

We have all been there. At times like these it can be hard to remember what is good in life...and there is SO much!  Think about creating a "gratitude list" when you are feeling good.  Take a moment to make a list of at least 5 things you are grateful for.  (You get "bonus points" for thinking of more than 5!) Carry this with you.  You never know when looking at a list like this could shift you out of a dark mood and pull you back into a lighter mood where you feel better.  What are you grateful for?