Say "Enough about me; I want to learn about you."

What is the key to getting people to like you? Clients sometimes come to see me because they are lonely due to having a hard time making friends.  They can't figure out how to interact with other people so that they are liked.  There is actually a very simple way to increase the odds that someone will like you...

Ready?  The key to getting people to like you is to let them know that YOU LIKE THEM.

How?  Well, for one thing you can try the addage above.  When meeting a new person say "Enough about me. I want to learn about you."  The trick is to mean it.  When someone is telling you about themselves, try to find something you can relate to or appreciate about the other person and tell them.

Compliments go a long way. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves and know they are appreciated. Try to find a way to compliment a person when you see them whether you know them or not.  Here is something you can try. The next time you see someone compliment them on their choice of hair style, clothes, sense of humor, or taste in fill in the blank. Everyone likes that.  Try to help a person who encounters you feel good about themselves and they are much more likely to have a good feeling about YOU. Give it a try.

"Don't be offended by the truth."

OK, so this is a hard one. Has someone ever told you something you really didn't want to hear?  Maybe in the moment you got really angry.  That's easy to do when we hear things we don't want to acknowledge about ourselves.   Usually the reason we get mad is because there is a part of us that has already considered what we are hearing and we are hoping it isn't true or it's because we are genuinely surprised by the observation.

People who really care about us are put in an awkward position when they can see something by observing us that we can't. Do they tell us and risk us getting mad at them or do they keep their thoughts to themselves and watch us have trouble they know they can help us avoid?

If you hear something about yourself from some one you really trust and it makes you angry, ask yourself why that is happening. Is it because what you heard isn't true or is it because it is true and you don't want it to be. Trust your gut to know the difference.  Instead of being mad at the source of a truth, let's work on coming from a place of gratitude. If you think about it, the person sharing the truth is taking a big risk out of concern for your well being.

"Criticism should rectify errors or improve judgement."

Are you hard on yourself? Is someone else hard on you? Are there people in your life who are constantly telling you what's wrong with you or giving you suggestions on how you "should" do things?  I hear this a lot in my practice. Some times a person can get so used to other people treating them this way that they begin to treat themselves this way too.  For example, they will say things like "I'm so stupid for doing that!" or "I'm really bad at that." How does this make a person feel to hear these kinds of comments or say such things to themselves? How is that helpful?

Let's look instead at the above saying.  "Criticism should rectify errors or improve judgement." There is a place for criticism in our lives.  I actually prefer to call it a "critque."  Why?  Because a critique sounds more helpful than criticism. Feedback can be really useful if it is actually constructive.  It is valuable to know what we have done well in addition to areas we need to improve.

The next time some one is being critical of you or you are doing it to yourself ask "Does this help me in any way and point the way to a better path?"  If not, that criticism failed in its intended purpose. You might want to "critique" whoever is offering the criticism.

"Try to progress - that's a big part of progress."

Do you ever feel like giving up on something because it seems too hard?  Maybe you are in school and you are having trouble learning something.  Maybe there is a project at work that is intimidating you.  Maybe there is a hobby you are curious about but think you can't do it. Many times we decide something is over for us when we haven't even given it our best effort yet.

When I was a kid an older cousin once said to me "Gail, all you ever have to do is TRY."  It was such simple advice but it has echoed in my ears through my whole life in powerful ways.  Now I pass this wisdom on to you...

The next time you feel like you just can't move forward with something, remember the phrase:   "Try to progress - that's a big part of progress." The important word is the word TRY.  You will be amazed at what you will accomplish when you give something a real effort and not a half hearted one we sometimes give when we have already decided it's too hard. Think about your life. Is there something you really need to TRY?

"Be Able To Be Alone"

Are you one of those people who feels you need to constantly be around others to feel OK?  Some people really are happiest when in the company of others.  These are people who tend to really enjoy being social at best and can feel a little needy to others and to themselves at worst.  So being really social is a good thing, right?  Well, sure it is...as long as a person can enjoy themselves in any situation.

Some people say to me "I don't like to be alone."  My response to them is that there is a difference between being "alone" and being with YOU.  Are you good company to yourself? Are you comfortable shopping with yourself?  Eating with yourself?  Going to a movie with yourself (you are bound to agree on the one you choose)?  Traveling with yourself?  If your answer is no, ask yourself why that might be.  The answer might give you some insight into how you are feeling about who you are.

"Encourage self-sufficiency"

Parenting is a challenge. Many times I work with parents who are having a hard time with their children.  Sometimes they feel guilty for not doing more or if their children are angry with them for not giving them enough.  These feelings can keep going once the children are adults too! 

No child should ever be abused or neglected.  That is for sure!  However, the purpose of parenting is to help a child become an adult who is able to function on their own.  This is why birds are kicked out of the nest at some point. 

Is it painful for parents to see their adult children struggle?  Always.  However, if we follow the adage of "encourage self- sufficiency" we can see that sometimes children need to learn from their own mistakes. What parents can do is be there for their children EMOTIONALLY as they struggle.  Saving a grown child every time from their own bad judgement can actually do more damage than good. Encourage self-sufficiency and you will be the best parent anyone could have.

"Love who loves you."

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are trying to make someone you love return your affection?  This can be so frustrating!  How can it be that this person who you care so deeply for doesn't feel the same way? Well, unfortunately it happens. Some times the object of our desire does not feel the same way about us.

Some people even find this is a pattern in their life.  They find that every time they fall in love that person rejects them in some way. This can be devestating especially when it happens over and over again.  Maybe the solution to this problem lies in the quote "Love those who love you." ?  Maybe we need to raise the bar a little before we give our hearts totally to another? How do you know it's time to give your whole self? What are your requirements that need to be met in order for you to know it's safe to make yourself vulnerable with another?